Precipice... *Long Post*

Source: http://www.edelmangallery.com/parkeharrison-precipice

My mood has been like a rollercoaster the last couple of weeks. It's beginning to sink in that my back is knackered and in the words of my consultant "there is no cure." As I sit here with an angry back I can't help thinking "is this it?" "How much worse will it get?" "Will surgery make it worse?" I also wonder "will surgery fix it?" "Afterwards will it be as though my back was never bad?"

I feel like I'm on the precipice of permanent disability. It is a cold, scary and lonely feeling. No matter how much I speak to others who have been in my position it doesn't make this feeling any better. I think it is something that will go away if the surgery successfully stops my pain or that I need to work through if it doesn't. The main factor in successfully stopping the pain is the amount of time I have to wait for my surgery. The more and the disc presses on the nerves, the increased chance of permanent nerve damage and the less chance the surgery will stop the pain. The NHS is renowned for it's terrible waiting times. I'm not even sure I'll have my surgery before new year...

I can't help but constantly worry as the pain has been getting worse. I have to admit that I do push my back too much sometimes but I really struggle to not do too much. I still think the pain should not be increasing at this rate. I went to see my GP about the increasing pain, I advised that we increase the painkillers and the pain then increases too. I made it clear that I was worried and wanted to know what was causing the rapid increase. She then read the letter from my consultant and said that I should go to A&E as that's what it says to do on the letter! I pointed out that there has been an advertising campaign for the last few years trying to discourage people who do not need emergency treatment from going to A&E. She agreed that this was not an emergency. She looked a little lost! I then said maybe we could find out what may be causing the increase in pain. She asked how!! I then suggested another MRI to which she agreed vehemently! This is not the first time I've had to suggest a plan of action to a GP. It pisses me off. They're the professionals and should be telling me my options. I am now waiting for a MRI and for my surgery.

I've also lost my job and am now claiming ESA. I am in the process of claiming PIP too. I'm also waiting for a date for a visit from an Occupational Therapist to see what equipment I need to help me around the house. I'm struggling with showering even though I have the shower seat because of having to get in and out of the bath as it is an over bath shower. I'm struggling to get off the toilet. The stairs are getting more difficult and sometimes I am unable to get up them because of the pain. Standing for too long is painful so cooking and preparing food etc is near impossible. I am unable bend down to the oven, lower cupboards or the lower freezer shelves. I am unable to walk my dogs or bend down to fuss them. I am unable to dress/undress my lower half. I am unable to pick up things that I drop. I lose my balance at times, even when I'm stood still. When I walk without a stick it looks like I've shit myself. It's frustrating and debilitating! My life seems to be coming to a screeching & painful halt!

I go to bed in pain and wake up in more pain. I am unable to sit propped up in bed due to the pain. I am unable to sleep in my bed because I roll onto my back in my sleep. The U pillow and a barricade of pillows doesn't stop it from happening. When I wake up on my back it is pure agony. The last time it happened (a week ago) it hurt so much I could barely breath. It took me nearly 5 minutes to get my knees up and log roll into a sitting position on the edge of the bed. Both of my hips were hurting and the pain in my left leg and foot was awful. It took several hours for it to settle to a manageable level and over 2 days to settle completely. I'm now sleeping on the sofa with my back up against the back of the sofa or on the edge depending on which side I'm laying on. The last 2 mornings I have woken up with bad back and leg pain. I dread laying down to go to sleep.

I try my hardest to be strong and be positive. I'm sorry for the long whingy post. I suppose not all posts about chronic pain are going to be positive and uplifting...

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